CxD #231: Unfiltered thoughts on marriage

One of my friends, when I asked him to share his thoughts on marriage, sent me this reply.

Hey Krzysztof,

Here are my totally unfiltered (sorry) thoughts on marriage.

My father was awful, unfaithful husband who was booted out by my mom. He once told me the wisest words I have ever heard and really do live by. He said if your spouse is not NUMBER ONE in your life the marriage will fail. He then added my mom wasn’t in his top five between his sons, sports, literature, music.

I always - always, always, always - make my wife feel like number one. More than my intellectual pursuits, delusions of glory as writer more than even my daughter! Why? Because kids love nothing more than seeing their parents in love. So to me, taking care of her IS a primal way of caring for the kid. In practical reality this means for example, times I have had success - plays opening in NY, Chicago, London, etc., I UPPED my connection to my wife to let her know she was more important. I’ll even blatantly say that shit over and over so she has no doubt. The ROI on this has been exponentially as she has more character in her bumcrack than a wretch like me has.

On fighting and handling conflict. We went to counseling and developed clear rules. Number One. It’s possible NEVER to fight. This was unthinkable for us growing up with divorced parents who had wars. We fought loud, often early on. So there were two clear rules that reduced our fighting by 90% or more. One - if you walk off in anger, YOU have to be the one to come back. No chasing each other about. Two - if you just fucking VALIDATE that you heard what the other said, this will reduce conflict massively. “So you’re angry cause I made that rude joke at the party in front of your boss?” Ideally just fucking apologize and be done with it but if can’t, validating the beef pretty much ends it.

On marriage as a business. It’s transcendental, beautiful and all that holy shit. But it’s a day-to-day grind and a business and human beings are obsessed with FAIRNESS. Early on I had no clue how much my wife was actually doing. We had a major pow wow during counseling and laid out ALL that we had to do in life to run the system of the home. I know you’re a systems guy. We listed every fucking thing and made sure we both felt good about who was doing what and no one getting short end of stick. Turned out my wife actually thinks she’s better at everything - laundry, cooking, shopping, etc. - so she still does more but she is cool with what I do. - investing, bill pay, bed makings etc. But for us that shit is spelled out.

Spell out the sex game and get on same page, who wants want, how often and stick to it. I will remain a gentleman here. But for us 1 or 2 x a week after 55,000 in first six weeks has been a good goal and we stick to it.

My close friends who are now or recently going through excruciating divorces all have three things in common: Shaming, cheap fucks, lousy with gifts.

Shaming - never ever take out anger on each other, be nasty when other vulnerable. One woman - my best bud’s wife - listed shit he did decades ago that still hurt her today. Small shit too like time he criticized her dancing when she was cooking and having fun. It stung her to core. And she never forgot it. Or forgave.

I noticed a common thread in the divorced guys as well - CHEAP fucks. Watching every penny and criticizing wife’s spending. Bad - bad, bad, bad.

One guy thought Valentines Day, Anniversary’s, B-Day gifts stupid and commercial shit. Even hated Christmas. Idiotic as all this shit may be in my experience just getting it done - thoughtful gifts on these days, however moronic (Valentines oy vey) makes them feel special and work toward goal of making them feel like number one.

Truth vs. Advocate - I realized, thank God, that I am hyper critical NY-bred big mouth fuck. I had opinions on every outfit, jewelry, work encounter, etc. Then one day I just realized this is stupid and changed my mindset to being her advocate. The world will kick her ass and break her. I wanted home with me to become safe, and to openly wear rose colored glasses. Sure there are times to be honest but generally speaking my attitude now is the outfit, whatever it is looks fucking amazing and I may be biased but holy crap she looks amazing. This could be my own bullshit in our marriage as my wife is very insecure about stuff like that. But no matter how much she knows I may think a new pair of shoes are an atrocity but SAY they are stunning and bring depth to her appearance I couldn’t imagine, she loves the shtick.

Care when sick - when my wife is sick EVERYTHING stops. I will miss work, quit writing, literally nothing can stop me from taking her to doctor, making soup, carrying buckets of puke, whatever it is. If she is sick I’m on it.

Do my shrink work - years and years on couch - to find my triggers, eliminate lunacy, anxiety. Marital arts - as you know - life saver.

Rally for her family. My wife’s family has a billion events and it annoyed shit out of me for years. I learned this was selfish and marriage comes with doing a lot of shit I’d much rather not do. Joyfully this resulted in her asking me to come less often! PRAISE GOD!

Furious independence. My wife has travelled a MILLION miles and is fine letting me go out with the boys without calling, and we often watch our own movies separately . We focus on quality not quantity. Last fucking thing in world I want is a Siamese twin.

Jealousy is for jerkoffs. In my wife’s travels we coulda fucked countless people and gotten away with it. Zero interest in that. Though I’d love to have sample more flavors of the human rainbow I accepted - firm and clear - in my heart long ago - I get one piece of ass. End of story. Cheating is for duplicitous wicked cocksuckers.

Three things that no counselor can fix - Faith, Location, Kids. We are both kind of believers but not sure of what, we love Chicago and wanted a kid. Must be on same page with that.

Okay - that’s it! You asked for it and I let it rip.

Sending both of you much love and bro hood on your special day, pal.

Sorry one more thing. I’m a lazy, no-good lout. So another thing I really have worked hard on (heh heh heh, hard on) … is identifying small effort/big value targets, those things that really matter most to my wife. For example, she loves waking up to coffee. So for decades she wakes and coffee is ready, just how she likes it. Shit takes me FIVE minutes but starts day on right foot. She loves bed being made. Again, 3 minutes but makes her so much happier than it should.

And last thing - I don’t shut up - marriages is always spinning up or down. One good deed leads to another and another. One negative comment leads to hidden hostility which leads to rising tensions, etc… So every little thing, vibe, counts. It’s work and I do the work.

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