CxD #157: You Won't Change And Neither Will Someone Else (A How To Guide) ‼️
1. Change is a sonnabitch and most people will not change.
2. Even though life changes around them: always has, always will, since change is one of the laws of the universe.
3. So they get stuck unchanging, and begin to double-down on what they already know and do and believe. This is living from habit.
4. The hardest problem to solve for big-brained humans is helping someone get unstuck when they would rather suffer than change.
5. 99.9% of the time we tell people why they are wrong and what they need to do better.
This is called criticizing and it’s what almost everyone does, consciously or subconsciously.
When we see someone behaving in ways that are hurtful to themselves or others, we tell them what they should do instead and why. We offer advice. We point out mistakes.
6. Most often we do this unskillfully, by yelling or shaming or getting angry or righteous, or making someone feel badly about their ways.
7. This criticism guarantees they take Rule #3 and triple-down on it: they will not change now even harder than before, maybe out of spite.
8. If you want to help someone change, DO NOT CRITICIZE, no matter how helpful you think you are being.
9. CRITICIZING PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEES THEY WILL CONTINUE DOING WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO.
10. Do you understand what #8 and #9 say and why? Go back and read them again. Turn away from whatever gadget you’re reading this on and maybe say them out loud. You think you understand, but you probably don’t, so at least give yourself some space to become aware of this law by letting it settle. Re-read #8.
11. There are all kinds of alternatives to criticizing, which I’ve been studying for years now. But they take time and commitment to learn, since overcoming our instinct to criticize is so hard-wired into most of us. Alternate methods require time and focus to learn.
12. One of the most skillful approaches is called IFS, Internal Family Systems therapy. I took a year-long training in this method, and watched Flint Sparks employ it with immense magician-like craftsmanship over a decade leading Inquiry sessions at Appamada.
13. Tim Ferris recently recorded a podcast interview with Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS, in which he does a live-demo demonstrating the process of changing without criticism.
14. In that conversation and demo, Ferris references his public disclosure of being sexually abused as a child. It’s profound and deeply courageous and moving. Listen or read the transcript here.
15. Here’s that IFS-centered interview this whole post has been heading towards. If you want to learn how to change without criticism, listen to this:
https://overcast.fm/+KebtWPfFQ
16. P.S. Happy Inauguration Day!
